If fear have a face, it will be visualised as mine. Imagine a painting of “The Scream” by Edvard Munch, a century-ish later, it depicted on my face.
I grow up in a very protective family knowing that I was born when my late parents have reached their end of 30s and all my siblings have grown up, living their best teenage life. I came in a very unfortunate time I assumed, a year before Indonesian Reformation in 1998, a year before the national economic crashed down, a year before human rights exploitation and massive coupe-des-etates sprawl across the country, which magnitude lies heavily in my hometown in Jakarta.
“I remembered carrying you home in a bus amidst the fire that burned down the street, while me and your brother was just finished doing grocery.” My late mom often recalled that lore everytime the horror came back to her memory.
There was no doubt that it was hauntingly intense and traumatizing for most of the people who have conscious memory about it. But as a one year old, I hardly remember one. However, fear and anxiety has been my normal state in my daily life. Before I acknowledge that those are not quite right for a child to grow up. There might be something wrong in a way that my subconscious stored a memory inside my head.
Nobody Wants To Hear a “No”
But “No” has been my lullaby from my family, not because they dismayed me, but they are cautious enough to protect their last child to not going down to the rabbit hole. Therefore, I never grow up being an outdoor child, having childhood experience playing on the streets with their neighbour outside. Was I neglected? Not really. I spend most of my times with the whole latest ‘Toys-R-Us’ kingdom that my parents bought so I feel happier indoor with them. I spend most of the time in the four-walled world; school, courses and bedroom. I never got a chance to go outdoor with my friends, but I always invited my friends into my world a.k.a my bedroom so we can play with all of my dolls together.
Moreover, I create my own outdoor reality in my head to think about the perfect outdoor I yearned to have. An act of rebellion that I manifest to be able to go outside.
Thank god, it did not last long. Slowly as I reached teenage years, my parents encourage me to go out with friends under their control and curfew. But it was the first time that my fears crumbling up to my body, knowing that I never felt truly safe outside. “This is my chance” I chant every time I got a permission to go out, no matter how short the time allowed.
But going out was never the easiest feeling, I often got anxious if my dad called me to go back home early, or the thought I might missed the bus or the fact that I have a worst dust allergy because I was raised in a hygiene situation. The anxiety whenever I think I have to go out was crippling me down and it made me, funnily, felt lazy to go out. Now to remember this, I hate how many times I missed an opportunity because I was scared and anxious to take a leap– I missed my chance to do a Social Science Competition because I did not want to left my crib.
Breaking The Culture
Teenage years was the most ridiculous time in the human history, the fluctuating adrenaline and unstable hormonal gut were fighting against my big ambition in life. I want to live abroad. How come a homebody dream to live abroad?
I dare to say, it was emerged from my frustration seeing my kin was so tied up to their homeland. I grew up in a very strong Betawi influence, an ethnic group who owns the land in Jakarta. I will sum up a little bit story of Betawi ethnic group according to ChatGPT:
“The Betawi people are the indigenous ethnic group of Jakarta, formed through centuries of cultural mixing among Malays, Javanese, Sundanese, Chinese, Arabs, and others during the colonial era of Batavia. They developed a distinct identity—marked by their language (Betawi Malay), traditional arts like lenong and gambang kromong, and iconic foods such as kerak telor and nasi uduk. However, despite being Jakarta’s natives, they gradually became marginalized as the city evolved into Indonesia’s bustling capital. Colonial segregation, post-independence urban expansion, and especially New Order-era development policies pushed many Betawi communities out of central Jakarta to the city’s outskirts like Depok, Bekasi, and Tangerang.
As Jakarta modernized, Betawi people often lacked the economic and political power to retain their ancestral land, leading to displacement and cultural dilution. While Betawi culture is still used to represent Jakarta’s identity in tourism and official symbolism, the actual Betawi population has seen declining influence, with younger generations moving away from traditional practices. Efforts like the establishment of Setu Babakan aim to preserve Betawi heritage, but the broader challenge remains: how to ensure that Betawi people are not only remembered symbolically but are also empowered to thrive within their own city.”
This history is giving an anecdote on how anxiety and fear of abandonment has becoming Batavianese (Betawi People) generational trauma for being pushed away from their hometown every single time. Doubling up with the history of bloody reformation in the 1998. So when I told you that fear is evident in my face, because my blood infused with them.
But I know that human have their own control to rewrite their own story, their own trauma, and maybe their own funeral. Thus, I began to learn and unlearn everything I need to understand to restructure my own DNA. I am pushing my own self to explore the thing that my in my cultural understanding is peculiar.
Going outside the barrier.
Running As Escapism
I felt lazy to go out or everytime people invited me to go out. You’ve heard that twice now. Because being outside was never comfortable, until I was diagnosed having endometriosis on my early young-adult age. I never knew that my state of internalising problem and being actually domesticated inside the room would led me to extreme anxiety that caused hormonal imbalance inside myself. I never thought I do more harm to myself other than to others, because I feel like I rarely go out and destroyed the world like others did (IKYK).
I saw my family members passed away in their middle aged, the age that might shock everyone out. I know exactly these illnesses are from their internalised stress. Knowing that I encountered the equal illness that came from the same source– stress, I know I need to runaway from this curse.
When the doctor prescribed me with hormonal therapy, I asked is there any sustainable method to hinder the growing of this illness. And every specialists and doctor I asked was recommended me with total lifestyle changes. It hits me. I thought I was in a safe lifestyle with a perfect way of growing up, but actually there was never be a perfect story in every life line.
Four years ago I was invited to do 10K race from my company, and never have I ever do any race in my life more than 3KM. As expected, I did not made it to the 10KM and was greeted by the first aid after falling out in the 7KM. I was not really disappointed because I know that I could not make it and never planning to get serious in running anyway. That was not until 15 minute in the first aid, I met a super young looking woman who just finished her 10K in sub 7 at the age of 60. My elders in the family, did not even made it to the 60 due to chronic illnesses. It hit me so badly. Knowing that my fitness capacity did not even matched her. That was the moment I realized, this is my main goal now, I have to regain my fitness and well-being to break the generational trauma.
After 2 years, I train and I run 3 times a week even though I have move to another country, 13,000 miles away from my hometown. I keep on running regardless that my condition can sometimes delayed my training. My progress might not be as fast as everyone, I could be able to reach my first 21KM after 2 years of running. And it does not bother me at all, because I know I don’t have much of luxury to go that far faster. My medical condition, my environment and my work that is still my priority. Thus, I see running as my personal gateway from all the things that triggers my anxiety.
I never thought how important it is to go out, and how going out can be a luxury for someone. Being in the walkable city like London definitely support my running training, in Jakarta, the training limitation is not only unwalkable pedestrian but highly polluted and hot environment that rises the heart rate. Even on the outside, I was being trapped inside in my hometown.
No one is truly free, I know. But what if dream freed us and it is actually being actualized?
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